just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Dear god my vagina.
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