I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Randomize
