I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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