Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
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