We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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