I'm going to jail i love you
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
