I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
