Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
