she kept yelling 'call me bella'
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Randomize
