thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
