Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
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I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
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Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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