im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
