before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I need to calm my uterus...
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
