chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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