i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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