I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i love accidental penises.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
you didnt know i had herpes?
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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