I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
