I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
