nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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