I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
