Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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