Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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