I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
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i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Everclear isn't food dammit
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
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