Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
