We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
