my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
