so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
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