Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
