I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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