I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
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