I met the friendliest cop last night
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
