so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
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She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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