Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i think i have herpe
just one?
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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