in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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