My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I woke up under a house in Key West
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
