Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
