Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Randomize
