Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
