That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
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i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
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hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
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