Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
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Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
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You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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