tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
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After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
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Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
He shit in the fireplace
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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