Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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