life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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