we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Randomize
