worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
