I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
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