i think i have two assholes
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
