Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
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