someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
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