sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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