I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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