I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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