he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
