he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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